i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
