Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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