There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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