Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
