Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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