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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
