Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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