fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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