I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
