I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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