I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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