Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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