woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
