a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
