saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
