At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
