a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
