explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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