my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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