fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
