New low: just hacked my moms facebook
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
