If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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