Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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