in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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