he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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