I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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