They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
