If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pants are for mortals
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
