Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
