I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
