i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
