whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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