i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize