I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
