she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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