Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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