This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
