Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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