Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
