I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
