I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
