I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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