dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
now i know why i became what i already was.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
