Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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