Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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