i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
