I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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