How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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