I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
