I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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