Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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